In the vast ocean of twaddle that makes up our Interwebs, and even my Facebook timeline on ocassion, I chanced upon what is perhaps Top Twaddle of the Month, when I discovered the musings of one Dan Bacon, self-proclaimed dating and relationship expert and proprietor at The Modern Man, who claims to know The Secret to Success With Women
In this particular piece, Dan-Dan Relationship Man, tells the single man ‘How to Speak to Women Wearing Headphones’… We’ll save you the trouble: ‘Don’t.’
Dan, however, proceeds to dispense advice (below in italics) that ranges from hilarious to terrifying.
What to Do to Get Her Attention
1. Stand in front of her with 1 to 1.5 meters between you. (Don’t worry ladies, pepper spray shoots as far as 3 metres)
2. Have a confident, easy-going smile. (Everyone loves a leering stranger)
3. If she hasn’t already looked up at you, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can see it. (If she hasn’t looked at you, it’s because she is deliberately avoiding eye contact. Save yourself any further embarrassment now)
4. When she looks at you, smile, point to her headphones and confidently ask, “Can you take off your headphones for a minute?” as you pretend to be taking headphones off your head, so she fully understands what you mean. (Facepalm!)
5. If she doesn’t understand that you want her to briefly take off her headphones, simply gesture that you want to talk to her by pointing back and forth from you to her and say, “I want to talk to you for a minute.” (Nothing spells ‘attractive’ like a stalker with the cognitive capacity of a chair)
6. In most cases, you won’t have to go to that extreme, but some girls are shy and will be hesitant about taking their headphones off initially. If she doesn’t want to take off her headphones, it’s probably a good sign that she doesn’t want to talk to you, so just respect that and leave the interaction. (Most intelligent beings would have stopped by Step 3)
7. If she takes off her headphones to talk to you, do what we call “Acknowledging the Awkwardness” by quickly mentioning something about the potential awkwardness of the moment to demonstrate you understand that approaching a woman in this way isn’t the most common of experiences for either party. ( She is still going to ignore you, unless she thinks you are having a seizure, what with all that gesturing, and is taking off the headphones to get you help)
But things take a slightly sinister turn when he starts dispensing advice on
Common Mistakes That Guys Make When Approaching Women
Giving up too easily (aka…no can sometimes mean yes, boys)
Headphones are a great barrier between a person and the rest of the world. (Is Dan seeing reason? Read on…)
Some women wear headphones because they don’t want guys or anyone else to speak to them, so if you try to talk to a woman and she clearly shows that she’s not interested in talking to you, just respect that and walk away. (Just when you think that Dan has seen the light, he kills it with…)
However, sometimes a woman will be interested in talking to a guy, but she won’t immediately pull out her headphones and show interest. Why? (Because numpties still think no means yes)
Some women like to test to see how confident a guy is by ignoring his attempts to converse with her and then seeing what he does next. (Erm…no, really)
Does he become nervous and awkward? Does he walk away in shame (shame… what are you, five?) , or does he remain calm and continue talking to her in a confident, easy-going manner? (No, Dan, he walks away…period)
If a guy gives up at the first sign of resistance, a woman like her will lose interest because he lacks the type of confidence that she looks for in a guy. (…’a woman like her…’ really? And I am not even going to put this in a humorous light, because that statement and all the implications that follow are terrifying…No means no)
So, if you are going to talk to a woman with headphones, just keep in mind that some women will immediately take off their headphones to chat to you, some will make it obvious that they don’t want to be bothered and others might want to talk to you, but first want to see if you will remain confident if she doesn’t immediately begin talking to you. (Or she will scream for help).
What Dan has overlooked is that there are real ways to get a date and find a potential relationship even in these dark and uncertain times. There are dating sites, meetups for people with common interests, friends who can set you up on a date, and even that mutually initiated conversation with a stranger that sometimes…just clicks. But that’s for us regular folk.
For those who meet men who follow Dan’s advice, there’s always this.
Inspired by the Daily Prompt Vice.
© Life of Di